WrestleWipe #1 - April 2024
The Paul Levesque Era / WrestleMania / CM Punk 'All In' footage.
April is a month of new beginnings, unlike that twat January with it's never ending winter and a bank balance hanging by a thread thanks to the festive cheer and New Years sales. April is the start of the UK financial year (important) and the month of my birthday (very important). April also marks the start of the wrestling calendar, as WrestleMania has gotten into the habit of falling into late March and early April, with the April date now being pretty standard, and we all know by now that WrestleMania is where it all begins (again) as the slate is wiped clean and people forget about the previous horrid 12-months, a time that WWE has always relied on to wash itself of it's usual stink. And as April signals the start of the wrestling calendar, so I present this first edition of WrestleWipe, covering the first month of the 2024/2025 wrestling season.
WWE ARE ON TOP OF THE WORLD
WWE is running away with everything right now, failing upwards and falling into good graces due to the benefit of being the longtime worldwide leader in cat shit fake combat opera, remaining mostly unchallenged for the past 70 years except for a period in the 90's that they still maintain was because they were a struggling mom'n'pop organisation and not because they were creatively and morally bankrupt with Vince McMahon about to face some incredibly heft legal troubles. 'Time Is A Flat Circle' is not just the name of a forgotten PWG show.
The difference between then and now though is that Vince McMahon is no longer with WWE in an “official” capacity, despite being kept in the loop via your Bruce Pritchard’s, John Cena’s and members of the TKO board such as The fucking Rock. Yes, for the first time in the working timeline of the WWE, there is no McMahon blood fully behind the helm, meaning WWE fans no longer have an evil bogey man to blame for all the embarrassing slop that they pretend to dislike. If WWE's current creative visionary Paul 'I voted Vince Off The Board And Then Voted Him Back In' Levesque kickstarted RAW with a women's mud pillow sleepwear oil fight, with Bill DeMott as the special guest referee and a Diva's title belt stylised by a confederate flag and an Imperial Wizard's massive head as the plate, and ended the show with Brock Lesnar pissing on an effigy of a flaming Howard Finkel, today's crop of WWE fans would be quick to herald it as genius, incredible and impeccable genius, because now it's from the head of Triple H and he's a fucking made man.
Having Vince around gave WWE fans an unmovable object to blame for years. WWE fans could hurl Vince under a bus for all the horrid, nasty, barrel-scraping television as a coping mechanism to excuse their fandom because they knew he and the WWE could take the punishment. WWE had a mostly miserable output during the 2000s and 2010s, a small handful of which would've killed off lesser companies who lacked the clout, money, and nostalgia connections. But you can blame Vince! He isn't going anywhere. I can watch three hours of the fucking RAW Supershow and come away with fucking nothing from that three hours because I can blame Vince! WWE is bad and it's Vince's fault, and Vince isn't going anywhere because he IS WWE and I want to keep watching WWE every fucking week because it reminds me of warmer, simpler times!
Vince was the unmovable object, standing stoic in the face of criticism and only answering to his own pocket book and his own pocket men, filling the airwaves with dirge because he had all the sophistication of an old wrinkly Zoo Magazine.
Now that the unthinkable has happened and Vince has fucked off, WWE has a hole in it's Death Star. Now WWE fans won't level the same consistent critique and demands at WWE because they've got a visible weakness, something that they've rarely, if ever, had in public before. The highest ranking members in the company can just vanish, and if enough of those execs vanish, then WWE could, potentially maybe possibly, vanish too, and then what will you do with the five-ten hours per week that you dedicated to this company for decades and based your entire personality around? Something as serious as that would force fans to go outside, and they sure as shit aren’t exploiting other options in the pro wrestling field either. Better not risk it, better not challenge it, better get those fruit baskets lined up and sent to Connecticut and Florida. To the WWE Universe and the bowels of the wrestling media, Triple H is doing an amazing job, and he'll continue to do an amazing job because he isn't set into WWE's concreate like Vince was assumed to be. He won't face the same level of scrutiny and critical fire that Vince's creative flare would ignite every week because he's a made man and made men can still be lead into an empty room and a barrel stuck behind their heads. 'Layla' plays in the background, end scene.
WRESTLEMANIA: The Fucking State Of WWE
I watched night one of WrestleMania, front to back. I sat on my sofa on Sunday afternoon, pressed play on the Streamio WWE Network icon, and settled in for the Grand Daddy Of Them All, and was quickly reminded why these WWE shows are such a slog; endless video packages, self-congratulatory wanking, flag shagging, tacky production, more wanking, and then finally the long entrances and Michael Cole's excuse for commentary.
I waited with arms folded for 18 minutes until the very first bell rang, and I had to suffer through the most cringe "metal" performance of all time, an absolute embarrassment to both heavy music and pro wrestlers. Also, Motionless In White were there, who were equally dreadful.
The match between Becky Lynch and Rhea Ripley was wrestled to enthusiastic disinterest from the crowd, who only became vocal to chant "Mami!" and when they pegged that the finishing stretch had begun. It was at the point that the winning pinfall was counted and I looked at the clock that I realised that I had been sold a fake bill of goods by the podcasters who swore that WWE was good again.
There was a segment a little later on where Pretty Deadly ran down all the tag teams in an up-coming ladder match, and I was very surprised by it. I thought Vince McMahon and his idea of appalling comedy vignettes were gone? Well clearly not, because here were these two shitarses peddling out the most lowest-common denominator crack-sweat cringe on fucking pay-per-view...not just any pay-per-view, but WRESTLE MANIA FORTY. I can only imagine the amount of laughing-crying emojis filling up the wrestling groupchats and social media timelines when this was being broadcast.
As if to add a giant full stop to that thought, R-Truth getting an insane reaction and pop for his extended comedy bit during the ladder match, complete with WWE tribute spots like he was wrestling on Blackpool pier, and getting by far the biggest reaction of the match and one of the biggest pops of the night, is the perfect example of what the modern WWE audience wants in 2024. It's Barney & Friends for adults.
I thought WWE was good again?
Well I was lucky enough to strain through that for Sami Zayn Vs Gunther which was an example of everything that the world's biggest wrestling organisation could be, from the very real backstage build-up to the in-ring action and story. Fuck YEETS, fuck soap opera, fuck over-the-top gimmicks and cuntish behaviour, THIS was it. Real professional wrestling that was built on relatable, realistic situations and emotions...and even then, the WrestleMania audience were half-arsed about the majority of it. It was a shame to have to watch Sami Zayn put on a babyface selling masterclass for an audience sitting on their hands. With a hotter crowd (a crowd who gave a fuck about the wrestling and understood the history behind Sami Zayn finally hitting the Turnbuckle Brainbuster after teasing it in WWE rings for the past ten years), this would've been an all-timer. If we’ve learnt anything so far though it’s that the real WWE story is Entrances, Taunts and Finishers.
Before we move onto the main event, lets discuss the WrestleMania love-in montage. A video package aired about how great WrestleMania is (being shown on the actual WrestleMania PPV that you're watching). The video compared great moments of the past that everyone remembers such as Randy Savage hitting an elbow drop at WrestleMania III, to the moments of the current roster that no one remembers such as Bayley hitting an elbow drop on someone at some place in time. Talking of Bayley, herself and an Uso then talked about how amazing WrestleMania is, and how amazing it is to perform on WrestleMania, and WrestleMania being a big old lovely time. And I found this video package had some odd timing considering that the very same week Trips was dragged through the mud for publicly discussing free agents who had the gall to want to work less dates for more money and weren't a mark for a company's rose-tinted letter headers or PPV names. WWE uses "You'll get to be on WRESTLEMANIA" as part of their big pitch to free agents and THIS video package was clearly a sales pitch for any other free agents who may be watching the fucking PPV. I wouldn’t be surprised if Will Ospreay or Okada had to sit through this video during their Zoom meetings with WWE. It’s no wonder they both (probably) said, “Fuck off, no thanks, I can't feed my family or pay for my mortgage with WrestleMania Moments™”.
So onto the main event, and once I sat through an endless series of entrances and a long, heatless opening, and a pointless, heatless, long walk and brawl, I said out loud, "THIS IS SO FUCKING BORING". My dog looked up at me, I made a sandwich, swept the floor, hung up some washing, and then, AND THEN, Cody tagged in and looked to end the shite. "Here we go!" I thought. "The heat is over, here comes the finish! Deliver me from evil, my Lord!". But then it carried on...and on...and on...the shite did not end, like I was enduring ‘Return Of The King’ all over again. Finally my pain was over and the PPV came to an end and I was free and I decided to skim my way through Night Two in about 90 minutes on a Tuesday night (which was a lot more enjoyable) and I vowed to never watch another full WWE event again…or another 12 months, at least.
I was told that WWE was good again?
Phil Brooks And The Damage Done
AEW in 2024 is a curious company, one that should be in a much better standing critically and commercially after their massive celebration at Wembley last year, but it was that very show (and the build to that very show) that raised more eyebrows than an LA plastic surgeon. I'm not going to go into all that again, however we do have to focus on AEW shining a giant spotlight on that show again and that show's repercussions when they aired the backstage All In altercation between 'Bootstraps Bullshit' CM Punk and the spoiled rich kid next door, Jack Perry.
The events of Brawl Out and Brawl In have been psycho-analysed to death by people more psychotic than myself, and I highly recommend seeking out their content for endless deep-diving discussions on the world's most lovable prick and CM Punk. That didn't stop AEW stacking Dynamite with CCTV footage of Perry and Punk having a backstage pull apart at Wembley. Not the first fight that the hallowed halls of Wembley has endured, (see also "Davey Boy Smith vs Clarky Cat") but after this it's arguably the most publicised.
So what did the video achieve? Well it proved that CM Punk is a bullying cunt. Not news really to anyone, but more of an affirmation. I think it's important to point this out because I heard opining around how the All In footage was an embarrassing loss for AEW and did nothing to hamper CM Punk's reputation as his defenders will still defend and his naysayers will still nay, and I heartily disagree. Here was a grown man with a bank balance bigger than 99% of the card he was working on, who refused to simply get a taxi to his digs in London, instead doing the woe-is-me trudge through London's tubes to get to the show that he had no desire to be on, and who only had one goal on his mind; get fired as soon as fucking possible. Well, get fired ASAFP and eat Britain's second-most overrated culinary dish; Nandos.
Anyway, the video goes down like this; Punk confronts Perry. Perry fiddles with his hair. Punk starts a physical fight because to him that’s a sign of aggression. Perry proceeds to get next to no offence in because he's just a spoilt bratty rich kid and has no idea what to do in a real fight. Punk chokes Perry and he is pried off by staff. Chris Hero is shown in shambles, a crushed man who just wants to produce a good wrestling show and swap Super Delfin tapes with Jerry Lynn. The whole affair is a shambles too, and Punk comes off like the most unlikable person in the world, worse than Nigel Farage or King Charles, which is how he wants it and yet still expects people to be all nice and respectful around him.
If you've practiced a serious degree of MMA, and you start a fight for no real reason, and you immediately get the victim in a choke, you're aren’t punk; you’re a divorced dad on a Saturday night in the town centre, fuelled on sleet and an endless supply of Carling, kicking off in the smoking area because someone almost looked at you funny.
Again, the man is a bully. Now I'm a fan of the bully's work, a big fan. I bought tapes from dodgy blokes in very early 00’s Coventry just to see him wrestle. But he is a bully, and he has worked in an environment that celebrates and rewards bullies. It's commonplace for the Biff Tannon’s, Roger Klotz', and Bulk & Skul's of pro wrestling's locker rooms to go without any comeuppance for their actions. and CM Punk has now moved onto the number one American fake-sports corp that celebrates bullies of all shapes and sizes. Is there a coincidence between this move to WWE and CM Punk doing interviews where he disagrees with wrestlers getting guaranteed salaries that aren't based on the company's venue business metrics? Is there any difference between CM Punk and JBL in 2024? What is it about money and ego that transcends class and always turns people into the worst kind of centrist?
CM Punk is now, officially, the kind of person that he's always swore that he wasn't, and that's worth something when it comes to looking at CM Punk's role in pro wrestling today, and analysing the chaos that surrounded him during the bulk of his AEW run as well as every other turbulent moment in his wrestling history (and boy are there many). All we’ve had to this point is shoot interviews and stories and snippets, and the All In video acts as the rubber stamp of approval to take those reported events with a little less salt. So while AEW still trudges on with their identity crisis, I maintain that they did the wrestling world a favour by confirming CM Punk’s true colours; that he truly is the voice of the 1%.